[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, February 9th, 2005|
|Friday, October 15th, 2004|
Since you're either not getting online or I have managed to piss you off and you are not speaking to me (:( )
I decided to write and wish you a happy safe trip to New Orleans. Tell family I said hello. And be as naughty as possible! ; ) ESPN is waiting! Current Mood: ditzy
|Sunday, October 10th, 2004|
|Stare into the eyes....
If you were to look into my eyes tonight, you would probably assume that yes, I am alive...
However, I have the stare of someone who is NOT HOME! I'm so tired....long weekend, but fulfilling nontheless....
It had its bumpy moments, but it ended up being VERY productive, and I got to see a few people... not everyone....
Prose and poetry in the morning....for now, I must eat, shower, and sleep. Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, October 7th, 2004|
|Let's go, broomstick!
Allright, I'm out for T-town....
New CD made for travelling energy, and lots of shit I don't need to be carrying with me....
Hopefully this will be a long trip...we'll see! Current Mood: bouncy
|Wednesday, October 6th, 2004|
|This needs to be said...
I hate politics! I HATE POLITICS!
I just posted this in a response to someone else's journal, though. These are my thoughts on the election; feel free to discuss with me if there is actual discussion to be had. If you flame me and are voting in this election strictly along party lines, save your breath...you'll only be proving my point.
Being very firmly independent in a traditionally conservative state, I have to agree with a lot of the points made above. There are quite a few reasons why you see what you have seen, and those reasons are regionalism, psychology, etc.
I, personally, hate politics and the way they have divided our country over the past eight or so years. I refuse to vote in this election because I firmly believe the system is broken and needs to be fixed. Many, MANY political coups are being played on both sides of the fence, and the voice of the people is being injured in the process. Let's not get started on the naivete of America, because both sides heartily take advantage of it, and there are some voters for both tickets who can easily be compared to "herded sheep."
I do agree that we will have an unprecedented voter turn out this year, although I do not agree that we will have an unprecedented "educated" voter turnout this year. For the aforementioned 18-25 year old group, I fear that this election is a fad, and that truly scares me. The thought that people AT COLLEGES are thinking "I'll vote for John Kerry because Ben Affleck is" or "I'll vote for Ralph Nader because I hate Cher!" makes me wretch. Although we have done a great job of mobilizing the young voters, I don't know that we have done a great job of educating the young voters as to what they are voting for and along what lines. This is extremely dangerous.
The debates I have found to be laughable. They have done nothing productive. They have emphasized the weak points of both candidates and shown us nothing more than a glorified personality clash. Last night was better, but the mediator was weak, and the structure of the debate fell off. These debates have no educated me beyond what I knew before they began...and honestly, that wasn't very much.
Now we have tremendous schisms developing within the parties themselves on this election...let's not talk about the draft rumor and who's fault it was...CBS (as with ALL media organizations for the most part) are idiots...I love the world in which we live...
And I'm spent....this wasn't a result of my being offended. I read a journal entry, agreed with the point, and responded....oh, yeah, and one of the responses to said jounral entry annoyed me a little bit, because out of like 8, it was so outrageously biased it was sickening...
I'm not going to knock someone's beliefs, especially if they have researched...but there is so much brain-washing in politics today....COME ON, PEOPLE, THINK FOR YOURSELVES!!! MTV, FOX NEWS, AND CNN ALL HAVE AGENDAS!!!! THINK!!!!! Current Mood: okay
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2004|
|I cannot believe I am speaking about a political topic...
No, this is not racist...
No, this is not a sarcastic question...
I am completely serious in asking this; it bothers me and actually provides some excellent insight into our political system and the parties....
Have you ever noticed that there are not many, if any, black environmentalists?
I cannot say I have ever seen one black environmentalist, at least not a prominent one...this has several impacts and says bad things to me...I'm not political, and it doesn't encourage me to become moreso. Current Mood: contemplative
|Thursday, September 30th, 2004|
|What a day this will be...
I just realized that next weekend, the weekend on which I was planning my next excursion to T-town, is not the weekend of the 15th....it's the weekend of the 7th. How did I lose a week in planning this? WHAT THE HELL? Could this be why someone was thoroughly confused about my coming up next weekend when I was talking to said person last night? Nah...it wouldn't have mattered...
Man, what a day this will be....
"And we don't know what sexual orientation or gender Miss Rhonda is, but you can sure ax her when she sit down..." Current Mood: numb
|Friday, May 14th, 2004|
|Monday, May 10th, 2004|
|Friday, May 7th, 2004|
|And I quit....
So, yeah, I did not reach the page limit he desired, but you know what? I'M THROUGH! I have no desire to write anything for the next 3 months! ARRGGHH!!!
And my printer is taking almost 30 minutes to print this damn paper! I told him I would have it to him an hour ago!
A 65 PAGE PAPER SHOULD NOT BE THAT HARD! I HAD BETTER GRADUATE THIS SEMESTER! KARMA, YOU OWE ME!!!!! Current Mood: annoyed
|One hour left...
I have one hour left, my typing skills are breaking down, my nerves are firing, my brain is fried....I just don't care any more. I will be supremely pissed off if he gives me this "I just wanted to see if you would do it." routine when I go to turn this in. I have really worked hard on this paper....I have one hour left until I have to proofread....ARRGGHH!! Current Mood: anxious
|DAMN DAMN DAMN
It is getting close to 12:00. I was honestly planning on turning in this damn paper at 12:00. Not gonna happen. I will be working up until the last minute, 3:00. At which point, whether or not I am finished, I will slink up to Dr. Passerini's office, hand it to him, and sulk away....Is the violin playing in the background yet?
Damn nap....turned into 4 hours...amazingly, i am not worried about all this shit...I just don't care anymore.
MORE WRITING!!! AAAHHHH!H!!!!! MAKE IT STOP! Current Mood: apathetic
|Can't hold on any longer....
It was a nice idea and all....pulling an all-nighter to finish this damn paper in a blaze of glory....the brain and body scream "REJECTED!"
I figured mathematically that I only have to write somewhere around 18 to 20 pages now...and I'm okay with that.
Will I get it done before I want to turn it in tomorrow? I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW! I'm currently going cross-eyed with exhaustion and brain damage due to the radiation from this monitor. Time for a 1-2 hour nap.
See you all in a bit.... Current Mood: intimidated
Twenty eight more pages to go? Maybe? My printer just gave me the ole FU and won't let me print out a really pretty map I'm going to put in the appendices I'm using the cheat my way out of writing some of these GOD AWFUL PAGES! MY shoulders are killing me from sitting here so long! HELP!!! Current Mood: In pain!
|Thursday, May 6th, 2004|
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!!! Current Mood: frustrated
MUST KEEP WORKING.......AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Current Mood: anxious
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
|For an interesting read...
For an interesting read on my view of people who backstab (one month later, please feel free to jump on down to my March 21st entry. The Side Note is a spiritual moment for me where I actually opened up a wound that had pretty much healed up, grabbed some goodie out of it, and smeared it all over the computer screen. Now the scar will be bigger, but putting these words in the open, in the off chance specific people find it really makes me feel better. I apologize ahead of time to any of you, besides a select 5 or 6 people, who are offended.
Back to the paper...going oh so well...
"We are the grey, we stand between the candle and the star." Current Mood: complacent
|Sunday, March 21st, 2004|
I never really mean to offend anyone, I guess it sorta just happens? Life is a jumble, and I really would like to figure everything out. I have no idea what's going on, what's not, why, and with whom! I look around, at probably the most stressful time of the semester, and I see so much anger, frustration, disappointment, and confusion. What causes this? Am I the cause? I do believe in many respects I am. This is the root of my tirade/outburst last night. Granted, no matter how much I may wish to claim it, I am not the root of all evil. Most of it, yes. And I do swear to you all that I will hurt every single one of you on at least one level. It is a curse, but a blessing at the same time. At least I know what my expectations are. I am not allowed to have friends, I am supposed to have limited interaction with people, and for some god-awful reason, that interaction has to be one of the most difficult positions to have in the whole world. I have to be the guardian who does not become attached, the shrink that does not care, and the omniscient who never speaks. Why? BECAUSE IT SUCKS AND I GET TO DO IT! That is my role, and that is where I am happy. Internal torment it does cause: to be able to help people and not have them "know" you is very awkward. It only enhances confusion and distrust. Somehow, it is my light that shines through, however. Strange it be.
I am an orb of endless energy that never stops fighting for what I believe in, and will always fight for those values which I hold dear. Friendship is one of those values, although now it has taken on strange form. I have come to regard friendship as one of those lofty objects that seems almost superhuman, and perhaps that is another reason why I cannot have what I call friends
. I have elevated and twisted it so much that it is entirely unattainable by mere mortals, no matter how much they may try and no matter how much pain it may cause them while trying. All I can say is stop trying. I don't want to be responsible for turmoil and pain. I bring enough of it with me as it is. I can handle it, and more (I internalize, and pack it away, my problems and others', it comes with the job). Most of you cannot. You do not need any more than daily life normally hurls in your directions. Many are already at the breaking point, and I cannot be the cause of your slip past. That is something, a burden, I cannot bear. I will be around for moons to come, doing my job as best I see. I am here to be used, but not to use. Nothing more, nothing less. Loyalty is above all my highest ideal, and I will do anything and everything to help those who have stood by me, even after a fallout when civilities are not possible. On this stake of loyalty I present this explanation. Hopefully this further explains my current temperament to those bewildered. It may seem a bit far-fetched, like a sin-eater, or a dragon, but it is me. I don't fully understand, but I know my role. Most of the time, that's all I need.
On a much less serious note: It is really cold in my room. I cannot wait to get out of this house one way or another. And the funny story of the day begins with the statement "and this is how I broke the arm of the girl with whom I was playing tennis today..." Yeah, I cannot seem to avoid hurting people. If I don't hurt them emotionally, I hurt them physically. Such a tough love for humanity I embody.
SIDE NOTE: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE HURTING, now is my time to address a few injuries that have been heaped in my direction by a few people I had trusted and cared for rather deeply. Regardless of whether you believe my self-definition is arrogant, haughty, proud, disturbing, psychotic, manic-depressive, bipolar, diabetic, osmotic, sexy, or psychotic, no one has a right to treat me as some of you have treated me over the past month and a half (It is now the beginning of May). I have been nothing but there for you all, always willing to help when I can, always chiming in when warranted, always simply wanting to be there and have a good time. One of you is king of "the pot calling the kettle black" in labelling me as arrogant
. One of you is being an absolute retard in suggesting that I have the time or the compulsion to stand outside of an apartment door and listen to someone's conversation. One of you is being absolutely as I have come to expect, a follower to the end. One of you truly disappoints me. As I look back upon what has occurred, it hurts very much to think that I trusted you all and misjudged you all that much. It hurts to be reminded of a failure. I look back a the wad of back-stabbing, immature, assholes (males and females included) I used to think were a circle of friends I could belong to. Time runs like a river...it repeats...just wait. The thing that stings the most about this entire situation, is that no matter how much I loathe the thought of helping the ring leader of this shitstorm, I would still help any of you if you were in trouble, regardless of the number of daggers in my back, the lies you all tell about me, the fact that most of you judged me before you even considered that you were getting a heavily skewed form of the story--I WOULD STILL HELP YOU ALL! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS!
Fuck you, Podunk. Fuck you, Drew. Fuck you, Scott. Fuck you, (sorry, dude) Chris. Fuck you, Jennifer Harris.
I will forever remember you all as lying, two-faced, backstabbing, spineless, shifty, fickle, deceitful, untrustworthy, judgmental pricks. And I loathe every second I breathe where I remember you all as otherwise and still have the drive to help you in any way. Current Mood: discontent
|And the dusk falls
Now things have been set into motion over which I have no control. Time has come to move on. You can never know when your world will be turned upside down, and when old perspectives end up ringing true once again. My advice: hold on to your shit and make sure to let those who are important to you know, because you never know when a reality-altering experience will rock your known world.
Friendship is a farce. Enough said. I will not have any part of it. The bridges are burning. The circle as I know it disintegrating. All I need to do now if bow out, and watch from afar. I apologize to those of you who are my "true" friends in Tuscaloosa. It seems as though the time has come. So that there is no awkwardness, no questions, no distortion, no confusion, no back-stabbing, no back-talking, no two-faced conversation. It all ends now when I disappear. Rather than perpetuate that which is the most vicious and banal in our midst, forget me.
My inspiring message for the day:
"When all Rome is burning, do I care enough to do anything besides watch? Am I supposed to do anything besides watch? One bridge at a time falls, until none are left--no link between me and what I once knew as my world. So goes the way, and the watcher is reborn..."
"We are the grey; we stand between the candle and the star." Current Mood: crushed